Today is Saturday, February 11, 2012
Today is Saturday, February 11, 2012
Statements made in this column are not to be taken as fact. Satire is protected by California state law. None of the content in this column is malicious in nature.
Thirteen girls are reportedly pregnant after the Homecoming Dance on Saturday, October 31. However, none of them recall any actual sex.
“I was with [senior] Cole [Hend] and we’d had a pretty good dinner and were ready to dance,” Dance Troupe Captain senior Amber Moore said. “There was a tug on my arm and then it was on. My memory gets foggy after that, but I am sure nothing serious could have happened.”
According to Amber, the evening started with a make-up party with her girlfriends, followed by fine dining with their beaus. There was “only a little bit” of foreplay before they arrived on campus, mainly in the form of under-the-table groping.
Amber’s friends said that though they wish they’d all “got laid,” there was a define absence of intercourse, and that the dance was “too tame” to be fun in the slightest.
Cole agrees and is convinced that he “didn’t get any.”
“The freaking was hella chill,” Cole said. “She’s freaking hot. But yeah, I don’t think we ever ‘did it.’ Man, I’ve got morals, right?”
The girls began guessing they were pregnant after junior Ashley Chambers called junior Summer Anderson sobbing that she was “so grounded,” that things were “over her head” and she “couldn’t handle it.”
“[Summer] sounded hella scared,” Ashley said. “And I couldn’t remember much else than my passionate grinding with [senior] Travis [Wilder]. So I got on Facebook. You wouldn’t imagine what kinds of quizzes there are: I took five, and one had this quote and a picture of a doctor, so I know it’s legit. I’m pregnant!”
According to two freshmen standing around the fringes of the dance floor, it was “a bit hard to distinguish” whether there was intercourse.
“[Freshman Fred Kames] and I went stag because the dance troupe turned us down,” freshman Timothy Lan said. “We wanted to watch them ‘do their thing.’ I tell you what, them skanky whores sure do know how to get freaky.”
The boys arrived at 10:45 p.m., knowing that the delay before everyone else arrived would provide them ample time to set up their array of video equipment.
Fred isn’t sure what he saw, but said he liked “whatever the hell that was.”
“Once I’m 18, I can actually pay girls to get naked and have sex with me,” Fred said. “How cool is that? Anyways, for now I could say I am content to just watch them practice and appreciate the fine beauty that is a writhing, gyrating mass of sexual passion.”
