Surely, You Jest?: Student writer wins Pulitzer Prize, accepts B+ on essays

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In a special ceremony Tuesday evening, senior Danielle Labelle was recognized for overall excellence in the field of literary commentary and was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Literary Analysis. According to Danielle, such an accommodation has helped her accept that she will never score higher than a B+ on her AP Literature essays.

“I’ve always been a little disheartened by my English grades,” Danielle said. “Every time I try for that A it’s just a little more out of reach. More specifics, more examples, whatever it is, the advice is different every time. But now that I have my Pulitzer it’s a little easier to deal with.”

Students in Danielle’s class are happy that she has been able to accept this herself, though many are jealous of her newfound peace of mind.

“It’s tough to be proud of something, to have put a lot of work in and everything, and to know it’s just not good enough,” Senior Alice Sybil said, who has been a member of Danielle’s English class for the past two years. “I proofread [Danielle’s] essays and they’re near flawless. Her grammar is impeccable and her analysis is incredible. It just goes to show: The dice determine the grade. [English grading] is all a game of chance. Danielle is simply unlucky.”

According to senior Blaise Cartwright, also an AP Literature student, some students believe teachers draw straws or flip coins to determine grades. However, Blaise hypothesizes that the English Department meets quarterly to play darts.

“[The English teachers have] just read a bunch of essays,” Blaise said. “If they were me, they’d want to fling quite a few sharp objects. It’s only logical that since bull’s-eyes are so hard to hit, getting an A in English is akin to seeing a unicorn—or Edward Cullen, for that matter. Mmmm. Edward.”

Blaise’s theory also explains the protracted delay in the return of essays.

Danielle’s English teacher, Charles Sqwryll, refused to confirm any specific rumors but did admit much of the grading was subjective to whims of the moment.

“It’s late when we read essays,” Sqwryll said. “You start hearing things, whispers and the like. That kind of stuff gets to you. Plus, it’s more fun to scrawl a big red B than an A. More ink, more wrist. … You think it’s hard to BS an essay? Try grading them.”

For the time being, Danielle has come to grips with her failures and given up dreams of ever smiling after getting an essay back.

“Dreams are dreams— eventually you have to wake up.” Danielle said. “But check out my Pulitzer. It’s shiny.”