Surely, You Jest?: Voter initiative Proposition 9 Set to Redefine Term ‘Gay’

Statements made in this column are not to be taken as fact. Satire is protected by California state law. None of the content in this column is malicious in nature.

In response to the enthusiastic support of its 2008 venture Proposition 8, which defined marriage to apply only to heterosexual couples, ProtectMarriage.com has released plans for its 2010 sequel, Proposition 9. Prop 9 will re-interpret the term “gay” to describe “hate-filled demon spawn who have absolutely no chance at any sort of eternal salvation or success in finding happiness here on earth.”

“After Prop 8 passed, we felt pretty confident in our evaluation of the Californian populace,” ProtectMarriage. com Chairman Rick Warned said. “Now we’re taking it to the next logical step by defining a term that many of us are aware of, but feel uncomfortable using because of its ambiguity.”

Added Warned, “Personally, I also want to clear the air with a few of my guy friends. We’re just friends, even if what happened Friday night might have indicated otherwise.”

Under Proposition 9, men and women who choose to define themselves as “gay” would still be allowed to freely roam California’s streets, but would be required to wear a small rainbow “G” on their chest to notify the public of their sin.

“It comes down to the fact that some people are simply afraid that these societal misfits might brainwash our children without their knowing,” Warned said. “Steps like these are just meant to provide security for everyone— except gays, of course.”

California voters are eager to complete the process started with Proposition 8, with many agreeing that the issue was satisfactorily addressed in 2008, but could be expanded upon.

“The way I see it is we got off fine in 2008, and now we just need a little nudge along,” Santa Clara County resident and voter Cassady Grange said. “We’ve done well in addressing this rearing menace, and now we need to completely eradicate this plague while we can. It’s time to finish the job.”

Grange has two sons, one an LAHS sophomore and one in kindergarten at Almond Elementary. Sophomore Duke “Bulldog” Grange described in detail the effort he and his friends go to separate themselves from the gays.

“We meet at special sleepovers and stay up late talking about how we are super straight and how that’s good and stuff,” Duke said. “We protest homosexuality by painting each other’s toenails a dark, deep rouge.”

Grange’s kindergartener, Abe, supports “Mommy’s position” and fights everyday to stem his romantic interest in his peer, kindergartener Matt Pollack.

“[Matt and I] swing together sometimes and sometimes we even get married by matching our ups and downs,” Abe said. “But I know that that’s bad! Please don’t tell Mommy.”