The View From the ‘Hil: A Stair Affair

I’m scared to go to fifth period.

It’s not that I’m scared of calculus, my teacher or the kid who goes around stealing people’s desks. In fact, I regard all three of those things as rather harmless with the possible exception of the desk thief. (To you, desk thief, I say that the left-most seat in the second row is mine!)

What I’m really scared of is the flight of stairs.

Specifically, I’m afraid of the ones that lead to the upper level of the 700s building. The ones known as the “cheese-grater” stairs because of the funny metallic holes in them.

Stairs have petrified me for as long as I can remember: When I was just a few years old, I saw a movie where a woman fell down a flight of stairs. She died.

Call me a wimp, but I’d call that a reason to never go to fifth period again, even if I love math class.

At any rate, there’s something about the cheese grater stairs in particular that makes me tremble more than any other flight of stairs. Over the past years, I’ve heard tales of people who actually grated cheese on them; I’d hate to think what they could do to my skin if they can slice cheese so easily.

Just the other day, amidst the jostle of students trying to get to sixth period, I stumbled over someone’s foot and nearly toppled headfirst down the stairs. Luckily, I was able to regain my balance and walk away unharmed. But for the next few days, I couldn’t get rid of the clammy feeling in my hands whenever I walked near the stairs.

For the past four years, I’ve persevered, going up and down those stairs nearly every day. For the past two years, I’ve had two classes on the upper level of the building and have had to embark upon the perilous journey as often as four times a day.

Enough is enough.

I’m not trying to say that we should get new stairs. The solution could be as easy as laying out a carpet. Not a fancy carpet with an intricate pattern, just a plain dark blue one.

Maybe we could even have class outside. After all, there are maybe three days in the year where it rains. Why not take advantage of the glorious weather?

I have lots of ideas. Really, I do. I’ve been thinking about this for years.

And yes, I get that the cheese grater look is artistic. And I get that it’s probably cheaper to get stairs with holes in them anyway since they require less metal. But think of all the students who, like me, have recurring nightmares about going to math class. Aren’t we worth the less artistic, slightly more expensive look?