Consolation etiquette: do’s and don’ts of comforting victims of loss

Laughter may be the best medicine, but when it comes to recovering from the shock and turbulent emotions caused by death, friends and family play a large role in helping the reconstruction process. It is understandably hard to console a friend who has changed so much from a personal experience like death. The best thing that friends can do, according to senior Angela Tang, is to be available.

“I know that I could go talk to them and I know if I need them I know they’ll be there,” Angela said. “I know it’s not a thing that every single one of my friends can relate to, but it’s just good to know that they’re there to listen and for me to get some venting out.”

Instead of asking questions or trying to help a grieving person move on, friends and family should offer unconditional support and simply listen. Although it is customary to overwhelm mourners with words of sympathy and understanding, what teens sometimes want is quite the opposite. Sometimes, silence is golden.

“It’s not a matter of [them understanding] what it’s like—a lot of it’s for them just to be there,” Angela said. “It’s knowing the fact that they’re there, even though they might now know what to say. You don’t have to say anything.”

For some students, however, the change and attention garnered from the death of a loved one are unwelcome and foreign.

“I felt as if my life was on display, and all I really wanted was for at least one part of my life to remain the way it always was,” said sophomore Nicole Larsen, who lost her father to colon cancer three years ago. “But something [people around me] all had in common was this look they gave me. It alienated me even more than just the fact that my dad was dying. The one thing they could have done was to treat me as if it wasn’t happening.”

Although they welcome and appreciate the sensitivity, most teenagers agree that an excess of attention is redundant and counterproductive. If anything, it only tramples upon their bearings and isolates them from their reconstructing lives.

“They should be able to say things without having to watch me or looking around to see if I’m there or if I’m listening,” Angela said. “I know they’re being nice and sympathetic regarding how I feel, but the more they do that, the more I [think to myself], ‘I’ve already come to terms with it. Why can’t they?’”

In this case, what mourners hope for is not change, but acceptance. What they want is not forced sympathy, but honesty and support. Teenagers recognize and understand the well wisher’s good intentions – so much to the point that in the end, an excess will always be an excess.

“People have a hard time imagining what it’s like,” Angela said. “If you don’t understand, you don’t have to say ‘I understand.’ You don’t really understand. You [might still] have both of your parents. If you don’t know what it’s like don’t say you know what it’s like.”

Despite this, many agree that the intentions of supportive friends and family come across quite nicely, as long as they are sincere and genuine. The consolations they offer bring out the support that mourners need and accept.

“I think the best thing anyone ever did for me was when my best friend at the time hugged me for a really long time, looked me in the eye and told me everything would be alright and that they would always be there for me,” Nicole said.