Students share stories of grief, recovery

Modern medicine can cure diseases and delay death, but it cannot ease the pain of bereavement. No matter how it happens, death hurts everyone on a deeper level than anyone can see.

Grieving

The passing away of a loved one leaves many individuals in a state of initial shock and denial. Although some students attempt to suppress their emotions by immersing themselves in their daily schedule, others find it hard to concentrate both in class and outside of school.

Senior Angela Tang’s father died of a heart attack when she was a freshman. The stages of grief, Angela said, blended with parts of her daily routine.

“It was very difficult,” Angela said. “There were random moments in school or at home when I would see the image [of him] flash back in my head. I remember it popped up on the last 200 stretch when I was running the mile in P.E. and I just had to stop. It interfered with me at the worst of times.”

The school, however, often lends its hand in helping grieving students. An e-mail was sent to Angela’s teachers informing them of the circumstances, and asked that her teachers excuse late work and absences.

Denial plays a significant role in the speed with which a teenager deals with the ordeal as well. According to an anonymous female sophomore, the actual realization didn’t fully hit her “until a lot later.”

“There were intermittent spurts of sadness, because instead of being depressed for a long period, [I grieved] over periods of time for a few months after the incident,” the sophomore said. “I was a lot quieter in the weeks that proceeded.”

Other students share similar experiences. Sophomore Laurel Saldinger, who lost her father to lymphonia a few years ago, feels that grief is a never-ending process.

“The person who died is never coming back, and your sadness will never go away,” Laurel said. “It gets better with time, but there are still days when it hits me hard, [while on] other days I am fine.”

Recovery

According to psychologists, many teenagers are left in a state of guilt and under the false illusion that, by moving on too quickly, they may be dishonoring the memory of the individual they have lost. While some don a façade of normalcy, several are trapped in a precarious balance between remorse and regret, unsure of which direction to take next.

Despite this, most teenagers attribute their recoveries to positive support from friends and family.

“My best friend was really there for me during my intermittent spouts of sadness,” the anonymous sophomore said. “She was the one who I vented or cried to and basically listened as I babbled on about old memories and how I felt in general. The method was effective because all I really wanted was someone who would listen.”

Many students seek refuge in their trusted friends or activities. It is not uncommon to find grievers immersed in clubs, sports or extracurricular assignments, as some high schoolers find that an increase in social activities contributes to a speedier recovery process.

“I was fortunate enough to be in ASB [at the time], and in ASB you get treated like family,” Angela said. “Belonging to any club or organization, whether it is sports, Talon or ASB, really helps you feel that somebody’s there.”

Laurel attends group therapy, in which everyone shares stories about their lives. She felt the best way to cope was to stay busy. By constantly going somewhere or doing something, she never allowed herself the time to dwell on her thoughts.

Junior Monika Acharya has gone through six deaths in the last two years.

“I spent time writing in my journal, because it helped me express what was on my mind,” junior Monika Acharya said. “A constant routine for me was: music, friend, pasta, Oreos, journal and dance. Mainly I try to go on with what I’m doing as best as I can.”

Impact

Almost all who have been brushed by the presence of death in their lives have taken on significantly altered views of the world.

“You appreciate what you have more,” Angela said. “You regret a lot of everything. I should have done this, it could’ve been like this.”

Many teenage mourners, however, view life from a more immediate point of view.

“Seeing and experiencing the loss of a loved one gives you a perspective that truly puts the mystery of life on a timeline,” sophomore Nicole Larsen said. “It has a set beginning and end and doesn’t have an ‘I can do it later’ because what if there isn’t a later?”

Sophomore Amit Maor agreed that death must be remembered, but that an individual must also move on.

“Death isn’t worth it to dwell on [because it] isn’t in your power to change, but you should still be able to remember people that have passed,” Amit said. “You can’t bring the person back, but you continue what they brought to the world … their legacy.”